I cant keep lying to myself

I'm not over you. Things shouldn't have gone the way that they did but that doesn't mean i hate you. Believe me I tried with every once of strength left in my small heart to hate you. It's impossible. I shouldv'e been direct with my feelings instead of beating around the bush. The only person to blame here is me. For not growing a pair and directly telling you how I felt myself. Life has been so empty without you. Iv'e just been living day by day instead of enjoying every single moment. For the past 4 nights all I've been dreaming about is both of us. We were happy and nothing could ever make us fight. I don't want to forget. I want to make even more memories with you.

ecstacy

Imagine every single you've ever felt combined together into a feeling that is so intense that suddenly everything in life just seems to make sense. It's feels like a intense shower of pleasure and happiness. There is not one thing you can find wrong with you or anyone else. You understand why people are the way they are and you can except that. Then you feel an amazing sensation of pain. Like you know that if you were to die at that particular moment you will die happy and you know that everyone you love will be okay. It's like God has enhanced your vision to see the world the way it's supposed to be. No sadness or tears, war does not exist, everyone and everything is meant to be there and play the perfect roles in were they stand in life. You want to just give your love to the world but you can care less if they decide not to accept it. It stretches out over the sky and goes deep into the night. The light that it leaves is extraordinary. Don't you ever lose sight of it.

writing this gibberish seems to be the only thing that makes sense these days...

I'm waist deep in problems. I just lost yet another person who I cared for. Over something incredibly stupid and juvenile. What's been said can't be taken back neither can both of our actions. I just wish that everything didn't play out the way it did. I let my emotions overrule my common sense and that made one gigantic mess out of things. Now every experience with her (good or bad) is playing in my head like some tasteless coming of age movie. But the funny thing is I don't want to hold on to those memories. Even though they were some of the happiest ones Iv'e had in a while, there doing nothing but giving me reason to feel sorry for myself. Remembering the good times is almost as painful as wishing they were here again. So I want to forget. Her face, her laugh, her kiss. Out of sight out of mind

Dear Karma, when will you cut me some slack?

For some strange reason, my actions have great influence over the people that hang out with me. I get them into the same music, clothing, and bad habits. I don't mean to though, it just sort of happens. Once I've completely molded the person from the inside out, I assume that everything will remain the same. Pretty soon the person is acting and thinking the exact way i am and that results in disaster. Then something incredibly big happens and because I was the person that introduced the idea to him/her, I involuntarily take all of the blame for it. Then I'm suddenly this monster that destroyed this person that supposedly had a bright future. There are two sides to every story, I just wish that someone would just take the time to listen to mine.

fuck teen angst

Creating an actual blog has been on my to do list for quite a while now. Iv'e just been waiting for a day were I'm stoned enough to know what to write. Who knew that it would be today? Blogs are perfect for assholes like me who don't know when there becoming too offensive or taboo. Who knew that people would get offended by what I of all people say. Take my english teacher Miss Frankl for example. She gave us an assignment over winter break. We had to write a story. It could be about ANYTHING. I took this into consideration as I wrote my paper. My story was about a teen boy with a drug problem. Though I didn't use my name in the story, there were some clues that the main character was based on me, I didn't make it too obvious. So the papers deadline was coming up and my story dragged on a little too far...39 pages to be exact. Caught in the moment i decided to cut more than half of my story and the only way I could think of by doing that was by killing the main character. Now Miss Frankl thinks I'm a "troubled kid" and goes out of her way to complement me everyday. I'm not going to lie I have my fair share of problems but hey, life wouldnt be interesting if we weren't all fucked up in the head would it? But what really makes my blood boil, are stupid people who can't take the real world seriously. I guess I can apologize to Miss Frankl for the paper. But that would mean I would have to apologize for looking like the Michelin tire man. The woman is like 60 and she's just grossly overweight. Her chins have their own. Which leads me to the reason I'm writing this blog: How do really fat people take baths or showers?