Home is where the hurt is.

This is honestly one of the hardest things Ive ever had to go through. Moving to a foreign country where I know absolutely nothing about the culture and let alone anyone. Whenever I try to open myself up to the experience and look at it in a positive light, that door gets slammed in my face. What saddens me the most is how much Ive really alienated myself from people of my age group. Its not like I live in order to get peoples exceptance it just would be nice if I had a friend that exceeded three years without some stupid immature drama happening that causes that close bond to slip loosely through the cracks of my life. During my time away from a place that I am familiar with, Ive discovered something about myself. I am easily intimidated by the world around me. So as a coping mechanism, I draw unwanted attention to myself and it usually rubs people the wrong way. I have never felt like I can trust any person but my self since a very young age. To be honest with you, the only closeness/empathy Ive ever felt with anyone was during usage of recreational drugs. I doubt that even counts due to the fact that the drugs where off eventually and you see this once amazing person for the whiny little bitch they really are. (*cough*) This also leads my romantic relationships to knowhere because either I care to much or I care too little or its because Im black. Sad truth to the matter, Ive been rejected by about 50% of the girls ive ever been interested in for that same reason. Forgive me I contradicted myself. The fact that I am even writing this makes me a whiny bitch. Ironic huh?

Well thats what I get out of life i guess

Im Quite Terrible...

And I spend so much time bitching about the other people around me. When Im not exactly a saint either. I wish I never let it get this far but it did. The only thing that I can do at this point in time is to fix it. Its kind of like I have a huge cut on my arm. I need to clean up the blood and dress the wound. In this situation there are multiple wounds and sores. Pretty much I think its easy to say that my whole life is just one gigantic bruise after another. The sad thing is, Ive been sitting here sulking and finding other factors to blame instead of blaming the one person whos caused it all. Me. Ive become my worst nightmare and I just sat there and let it happen. I stabbed so many people in the back and Ive made myself look like the victim when I have been the victimizer. To everyone Ive ever hurt. To the good friends Ive betrayed for my own selfish liasons I am sorry. Thats all I can really offer after the damage has been done.