Sick and Tired

of being the third wheel in everything. You want to know something really sad? I don't have any childhood friends whatsoever. They have either turned their backs on me or we have fallen out of touch. I have searched every corner of my soul for the answers to my problem but every time, I come up short. Maybe it's my personality. Maybe that's what being black in a practically all white town does to you. I guess I'll never know. One thing is for sure, I'm tired of being sick and tired. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life. Things that you would call me an evil person for. I'm not excusing myself nor am I asking for pity, but it would be nice to have a friend for more than 2 years. It would make it a lot easier to live my life. It would help me forget how estranged my family is. A mother whom I haven't exchanged kind words with since I was a small child, and a father who really doesn't give a fuck. Things happen for a reason right? What's my excuse? When will my payoff come because it seems like everything is going nowhere fast.

Feed me a bullet, send me to sleep

I had it with the crackheads, rude and offensive street people, and the old men asking for head in exchange for drugs. I want to come home. Why would my mom think sending me here would fix me? Its just as easy to get trashed her as it is in California. Matter of fact scratch that Its WAY easier. Every time I leave the condo Someone tries to hustle me and if I didnt have half a brain I would probably go for it. I mean I've had my fun here but like medication It needs to be taken in a little at a time. To Top it all off I have to deal with my closet case of a half brother yelling at me for every single little thing that goes wrong in the condo. People with there own mental problems shouldnt try to preach to others. Especially if their addicted to Gay porn. I am really not sure what to make of the time I have here. I applied for every job possible and I havent gotten any feedback from anyone who said they were hiring. Do I really lack that many skills? All I can do now to keep sane is write. 2 weeks and 4 days more of this hell on earth they call Atlanta Georgia. It took this trip to make me realize how simple of a person I really am. I really can care less about material possesions as long as Im with people that make me happy. My efforts to make friends are coming up short due to the fact I'm staying in the heart of the city, were its crackheads galore for about 6 blocks straight. Feed me a bullet and send me to sleep. I've had it with this. Being positive is losing its charm

Rotting away in Atlanta

It took the first few days of this trip to realize that I am not a big city person. I fall asleep to sirens and gunshots everynight and its not pleasant. I don't want to be here right now. I didnt sign up for this. Why I even agreed to it is beyond my reach even. You dont realize how much you appreciate home unless you've been in a different place for a while. I discarded everything before coming to this place and i would throw all of it away again just so I can have it back. Just for that brief moment in time when I sweared I was invincible. Now Im confined to city life. The only form of transportation is the Marta, a local train that goes around the downtown area I inhabit. The days go by way to fast for me to keep up and way to slow for me to enjoy. How I long for the boredom that we call Simi Valley. Its stuck up residents, boring atmosphere, and all of my friends and enemies. I don't know when I'll wake up from this dream and come to the realization that I'm actually stuck here for the next 4 weeks. Making the best of it has lost its charm. I just wanna go home.

I cant keep lying to myself

I'm not over you. Things shouldn't have gone the way that they did but that doesn't mean i hate you. Believe me I tried with every once of strength left in my small heart to hate you. It's impossible. I shouldv'e been direct with my feelings instead of beating around the bush. The only person to blame here is me. For not growing a pair and directly telling you how I felt myself. Life has been so empty without you. Iv'e just been living day by day instead of enjoying every single moment. For the past 4 nights all I've been dreaming about is both of us. We were happy and nothing could ever make us fight. I don't want to forget. I want to make even more memories with you.

ecstacy

Imagine every single you've ever felt combined together into a feeling that is so intense that suddenly everything in life just seems to make sense. It's feels like a intense shower of pleasure and happiness. There is not one thing you can find wrong with you or anyone else. You understand why people are the way they are and you can except that. Then you feel an amazing sensation of pain. Like you know that if you were to die at that particular moment you will die happy and you know that everyone you love will be okay. It's like God has enhanced your vision to see the world the way it's supposed to be. No sadness or tears, war does not exist, everyone and everything is meant to be there and play the perfect roles in were they stand in life. You want to just give your love to the world but you can care less if they decide not to accept it. It stretches out over the sky and goes deep into the night. The light that it leaves is extraordinary. Don't you ever lose sight of it.

writing this gibberish seems to be the only thing that makes sense these days...

I'm waist deep in problems. I just lost yet another person who I cared for. Over something incredibly stupid and juvenile. What's been said can't be taken back neither can both of our actions. I just wish that everything didn't play out the way it did. I let my emotions overrule my common sense and that made one gigantic mess out of things. Now every experience with her (good or bad) is playing in my head like some tasteless coming of age movie. But the funny thing is I don't want to hold on to those memories. Even though they were some of the happiest ones Iv'e had in a while, there doing nothing but giving me reason to feel sorry for myself. Remembering the good times is almost as painful as wishing they were here again. So I want to forget. Her face, her laugh, her kiss. Out of sight out of mind

Dear Karma, when will you cut me some slack?

For some strange reason, my actions have great influence over the people that hang out with me. I get them into the same music, clothing, and bad habits. I don't mean to though, it just sort of happens. Once I've completely molded the person from the inside out, I assume that everything will remain the same. Pretty soon the person is acting and thinking the exact way i am and that results in disaster. Then something incredibly big happens and because I was the person that introduced the idea to him/her, I involuntarily take all of the blame for it. Then I'm suddenly this monster that destroyed this person that supposedly had a bright future. There are two sides to every story, I just wish that someone would just take the time to listen to mine.