Home is where the hurt is.

This is honestly one of the hardest things Ive ever had to go through. Moving to a foreign country where I know absolutely nothing about the culture and let alone anyone. Whenever I try to open myself up to the experience and look at it in a positive light, that door gets slammed in my face. What saddens me the most is how much Ive really alienated myself from people of my age group. Its not like I live in order to get peoples exceptance it just would be nice if I had a friend that exceeded three years without some stupid immature drama happening that causes that close bond to slip loosely through the cracks of my life. During my time away from a place that I am familiar with, Ive discovered something about myself. I am easily intimidated by the world around me. So as a coping mechanism, I draw unwanted attention to myself and it usually rubs people the wrong way. I have never felt like I can trust any person but my self since a very young age. To be honest with you, the only closeness/empathy Ive ever felt with anyone was during usage of recreational drugs. I doubt that even counts due to the fact that the drugs where off eventually and you see this once amazing person for the whiny little bitch they really are. (*cough*) This also leads my romantic relationships to knowhere because either I care to much or I care too little or its because Im black. Sad truth to the matter, Ive been rejected by about 50% of the girls ive ever been interested in for that same reason. Forgive me I contradicted myself. The fact that I am even writing this makes me a whiny bitch. Ironic huh?

Well thats what I get out of life i guess

Im Quite Terrible...

And I spend so much time bitching about the other people around me. When Im not exactly a saint either. I wish I never let it get this far but it did. The only thing that I can do at this point in time is to fix it. Its kind of like I have a huge cut on my arm. I need to clean up the blood and dress the wound. In this situation there are multiple wounds and sores. Pretty much I think its easy to say that my whole life is just one gigantic bruise after another. The sad thing is, Ive been sitting here sulking and finding other factors to blame instead of blaming the one person whos caused it all. Me. Ive become my worst nightmare and I just sat there and let it happen. I stabbed so many people in the back and Ive made myself look like the victim when I have been the victimizer. To everyone Ive ever hurt. To the good friends Ive betrayed for my own selfish liasons I am sorry. Thats all I can really offer after the damage has been done.

Nausea.

I can honestly say, I have never hated a person more than I do my own mother. Heartless? yes. But if you know what its like to have a bible thumper as a parent then you should be able to understand. Everyday is a constant battle. The bitch is so conservative and rude at the same time. She acts like she has no sin. Like shes perfect. Whenever she makes mistakes no one is at fault but her. Ive put up with 17 years of not being able to live my life normal and Im reaching my boiling point. Lately I have been having homicidal thoughts about her. Not normal i wanna strangle someone ones either. I want her to feel my pain all of it. I want her fat ass to see things from someones perspective instead of her own. I want her to try to even bitch after shes seen the shit Ive gone through that I have never once asked her for help for or complained about. I want her heart to feel the way mine does right now. Like someones just trying to get to it. Trying to control it, trying to push my buttons. Ive just about had it with her. Weres a freak accident or terminal illness when you need it? The sad thing is, no one has the guts to tell her shes mentally unstable. Its like they all encourage the religous hysteria, but then resume with there secular lives behind closed doors or when shes not around. I have been in the Christian church since I was born but in this present day I follow no religion. Dont call me a fucking aethist I believe that a higher power exists thats beyond the reach of time, space, hell maybe the whole universe. I just dont know if I should call that power "God." Be as it may, Christianity's perception of God has totally rubbed me the wrong way. I wish someone knew my struggle. I wish I could just cry on someones shoulder and they would actually stick around to put my pieces back together. Im a wandering soul. Ive been lost in the illusion of a person who is charismatic and outgoing when the truth is, I worry just as much about what people think of me as everyone else.

P.L.U.R.

.::{{Ravers Manifesto}..}::.. "Our emotional state of choice is Ecstasy. Our nourishment of choice is Love. Our addiction of choice is technology. Our religion of choice is music. Our currency of choice is knowledge. Our politics of choice is none. Our society of choice is utopian though we know it will never be. You may hate us. You may dismiss us. You may misunderstand us. You may be unaware of our existence. We can only hope you do not care to judge us, because we would never judge you. We are not criminals. We are not disillusioned. We are not drug addicts. We are not naive children. We are one massive, global, tribal village that transcends man-made law, physical geography, and time itself. We are The Massive. One Massive. We were first drawn by the sound. From far away, the thunderous, muffled, echoing beat was comparable to a mother's heart soothing a child in her womb of concrete, steel, and electrical wiring. We were drawn back into this womb, and there, in the heat, dampness, and darkness of it, we came to accept that we are all equal. Not only to the darkness, and to ourselves, but to the very music slamming into us and passing through our souls: we are all equal. And somewhere around 35Hz we could feel the hand of God at our backs, pushing us forward, pushing us to push ourselves to strengthen our minds, our bodies, and our spirits. Pushing us to turn to the person beside us to join hands and uplift them by sharing the uncontrollable joy we felt from creating this magical bubble that can, for one evening, protect us from the horrors, atrocities, and pollution of the outside world. It is in that very instant, with these initial realizations that each of us was truly born. We continue to pack our bodies into clubs, or warehouses, or buildings you've abandoned and left for naught, and we bring life to them for one night. Strong, throbbing, vibrant life in it's purest, most intense, most hedonistic form. In these makeshift spaces, we seek to shed ourselves of the burden of uncertainty for a future you have been unable to stabilize and secure for us. We seek to relinquish our inhibitions, and free ourselves from the shackles and restraints you've put on us for your own peace of mind. We seek to re-write the programming that you have tried to indoctrinate us with since the moment we were born. Programming that tells us to hate, that tells us to judge, that tells us to stuff ourselves into the nearest and most convenient pigeon hole possible. Programming that even tells us to climb ladders for you, jump through hoops, and run through mazes and on hamster wheels. Programming that tells us to eat from the shiny silver spoon you are trying to feed us with, instead of nourish ourselves with our own capable hands. Programming that tells us to close our minds, instead of open them. Until the sun rises to burn our eyes by revealing the distopian reality of a world you've created for us, we dance fiercely with our brothers and sisters in celebration of our life, of our culture, and of the values we believe in: Peace, Love, Freedom, Tolerance, Unity, Harmony, Expression, Responsibility and Respect. Our enemy of choice is ignorance. Our weapon of choice is information. Our crime of choice is breaking and challenging whatever laws you feel you need to put in place to stop us from celebrating our existence. But know that while you may shut down any given party, on any given night, in any given city, in any given country or continent on this beautiful planet, you can never shut down the entire party. You don't have access to that switch, no matter what you may think. The music will never stop. The heartbeat will never fade. The party will never end. I am a raver, and this is my manifesto.

Sick and Tired

of being the third wheel in everything. You want to know something really sad? I don't have any childhood friends whatsoever. They have either turned their backs on me or we have fallen out of touch. I have searched every corner of my soul for the answers to my problem but every time, I come up short. Maybe it's my personality. Maybe that's what being black in a practically all white town does to you. I guess I'll never know. One thing is for sure, I'm tired of being sick and tired. I've made plenty of mistakes in my life. Things that you would call me an evil person for. I'm not excusing myself nor am I asking for pity, but it would be nice to have a friend for more than 2 years. It would make it a lot easier to live my life. It would help me forget how estranged my family is. A mother whom I haven't exchanged kind words with since I was a small child, and a father who really doesn't give a fuck. Things happen for a reason right? What's my excuse? When will my payoff come because it seems like everything is going nowhere fast.

Feed me a bullet, send me to sleep

I had it with the crackheads, rude and offensive street people, and the old men asking for head in exchange for drugs. I want to come home. Why would my mom think sending me here would fix me? Its just as easy to get trashed her as it is in California. Matter of fact scratch that Its WAY easier. Every time I leave the condo Someone tries to hustle me and if I didnt have half a brain I would probably go for it. I mean I've had my fun here but like medication It needs to be taken in a little at a time. To Top it all off I have to deal with my closet case of a half brother yelling at me for every single little thing that goes wrong in the condo. People with there own mental problems shouldnt try to preach to others. Especially if their addicted to Gay porn. I am really not sure what to make of the time I have here. I applied for every job possible and I havent gotten any feedback from anyone who said they were hiring. Do I really lack that many skills? All I can do now to keep sane is write. 2 weeks and 4 days more of this hell on earth they call Atlanta Georgia. It took this trip to make me realize how simple of a person I really am. I really can care less about material possesions as long as Im with people that make me happy. My efforts to make friends are coming up short due to the fact I'm staying in the heart of the city, were its crackheads galore for about 6 blocks straight. Feed me a bullet and send me to sleep. I've had it with this. Being positive is losing its charm

Rotting away in Atlanta

It took the first few days of this trip to realize that I am not a big city person. I fall asleep to sirens and gunshots everynight and its not pleasant. I don't want to be here right now. I didnt sign up for this. Why I even agreed to it is beyond my reach even. You dont realize how much you appreciate home unless you've been in a different place for a while. I discarded everything before coming to this place and i would throw all of it away again just so I can have it back. Just for that brief moment in time when I sweared I was invincible. Now Im confined to city life. The only form of transportation is the Marta, a local train that goes around the downtown area I inhabit. The days go by way to fast for me to keep up and way to slow for me to enjoy. How I long for the boredom that we call Simi Valley. Its stuck up residents, boring atmosphere, and all of my friends and enemies. I don't know when I'll wake up from this dream and come to the realization that I'm actually stuck here for the next 4 weeks. Making the best of it has lost its charm. I just wanna go home.